Nick Clegg was visited by an angel who showed him what things would be like if he’d never been born, and nothing was worse, and the streets were filled with eternal summer sunshine and the peals of children’s laughter, and Nick Clegg offered to kill himself but the angel said that wasn’t going to help, because the damage has already been done if you think about it, hasn’t it Nick? Hasn’t it? Nick?
Nick Clegg tried to pay you in exact change, but you pointed out that one of his coins was Canadian, and he had no other way to pay, so you made him put his one item back on the shelf.
Nick Clegg asked if you’d ever experienced true love, and you said “yes, of course”, and then there was a pause, and you said “why, haven’t you?”, and he said “oh yes me too obviously”, but then just stared into space for a while.
Nick Clegg thought he’d bought still water, but it was really sparkling water, and he wasted an hour shaking it to get all of the bubbles out.
Nick Clegg watched his children open their presents and smiled as he saw the love and joy written across their faces, but that only made him realise that the rest of his year is unrelenting woe and that everyone he’s ever loved will die.
Nick Clegg felt the interconnectedness of all people and things; he moved his fingertips and felt the atoms swoosh around them; he saw society as a miraculous network held together by love, in which all things were possible and all people unique and special; but it was all just the funny smoke he’d breathed in at the garage.
Nick Clegg was shaving with his electric razor, but the power ran out halfway and he couldn’t find the charger, so he had to go to the shops with half a beard.
Nick Clegg got you a £20 gift voucher for Christmas, and then he opened his present from you, and it was a £10 voucher to the same shop.
Nick Clegg walked through a door, and he instinctively held it open for a woman walking in his direction, but then he remembered that the door was the one to the men’s toilets, so he had to pretend that he’d not been doing that at all.
Nick Clegg watched an old film and saw a woman in it who he found very attractive and hoped that someday the two of them might meet, but then he realised that by now she’d either be too old for them to really share a connection, or dead.