Nick Clegg wasn’t feeling sad about anything, but then you kept asking why he looked sad, and he started thinking about everything he could ever be sad about, and now he’s sad because the very thought of happiness is a distant memory.
Nick Clegg got to take a selfie with his favourite musician, but when he tried to show it off he realised he’d used the wrong camera and all he had was a picture of the ceiling, also, the musician was dead now or something.
Nick Clegg was visited by an angel who showed him what things would be like if he’d never been born, and nothing was worse, and the streets were filled with eternal summer sunshine and the peals of children’s laughter, and Nick Clegg offered to kill himself but the angel said that wasn’t going to help, because the damage has already been done if you think about it, hasn’t it Nick? Hasn’t it? Nick?
Nick Clegg tried to pay you in exact change, but you pointed out that one of his coins was Canadian, and he had no other way to pay, so you made him put his one item back on the shelf.
Nick Clegg asked if you’d ever experienced true love, and you said “yes, of course”, and then there was a pause, and you said “why, haven’t you?”, and he said “oh yes me too obviously”, but then just stared into space for a while.
Nick Clegg thought he’d bought still water, but it was really sparkling water, and he wasted an hour shaking it to get all of the bubbles out.
Nick Clegg watched his children open their presents and smiled as he saw the love and joy written across their faces, but that only made him realise that the rest of his year is unrelenting woe and that everyone he’s ever loved will die.
Nick Clegg felt the interconnectedness of all people and things; he moved his fingertips and felt the atoms swoosh around them; he saw society as a miraculous network held together by love, in which all things were possible and all people unique and special; but it was all just the funny smoke he’d breathed in at the garage.
Nick Clegg was shaving with his electric razor, but the power ran out halfway and he couldn’t find the charger, so he had to go to the shops with half a beard.
Nick Clegg got you a £20 gift voucher for Christmas, and then he opened his present from you, and it was a £10 voucher to the same shop.